Have you tried Spaetzle?

You should.  I’m guessing most people would answer a confused “no” to that question.  And it would likely be followed by, “What the hell is spaetzle?”

spaetz·le/ˈSHpetslə/

Noun: Small dumplings of a type made in southern Germany and Alsace, consisting of seasoned dough poached in boiling water.

Here’s what I can tell you about spaetzle:  it’s A-Ma-Zing.  Just on its own, it’s really terrific.  But I wasn’t comfortable just leaving it at that.  I modified it a bit and the result is perhaps the most remarkable, outstanding, tasty thing I’ve made in as many years as I can count (if I do say so, and I do).

This is not a recipe blog, but what follows is a recipe to a dish that will transport you to a higher plane of the universe.  Really.  I swear it.

Spaetzle with Bacon and Vidalia Onions (Oh yeah, that’s right.  I did.)

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1 teaspoon white pepper
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 4 large eggs
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 – 1½ pounds thick sliced bacon, diced
• 2 Vidalia onions, Julienned
• 2 tablespoons butter

In a large bowl, combine the flour, salt, pepper and nutmeg.  In another bowl, whisk the eggs and milk together.  Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients and pour in the egg-milk mixture.  Gradually draw in the flour from the sides and combine well; the dough should be smooth and thick.  Let the dough rest for 10-15 minutes.

Bring 5 quarts of salted water to a boil in a large pot, then reduce to a simmer.  To form the spaetzle, hold a large hold colander over the simmering water and push the dough through the holes with a spatula or spoon (frankly, I found it better to use my ricer with the largest holes and I have also seen it suggested that a pastry bag with a small round tip works well).  Do this in batches so you don’t overcrowd the pot.  Cook for 4 or 5 minutes or until the spaetzle floats to the surface, stirring gently to prevent sticking.  Remove the spaetzle into a colander and give it a quick rinse with cool water.  Set aside.

Cook the bacon in a large saute pan until crisp.  Remove crisp bacon to paper towels to drain.  Saute onions in bacon fat until nicely caramelized.  Drain onions and discard bacon fat.

Toss together spaetzle, bacon and onions with butter and reheat over medium heat if necessary.

And I’m pretty sure the Surgeon General would add a nutrition warning to this dish that it has no significant nutritional value – but it’s worth every rotten calorie and fat gram.

Just don’t make a habit out of eating it.